Living on a Prayer

Some time ago I took the risk of sounding like a petulant wimp and lamented the difficulty of finding a job. As if on cue, I found a job just a few days later. So in the hope that the same tactic will bring me similar luck with my ongoing housing search, I will now take a few moments to complain about that.

First of all, I cannot imagine what it must have been like to look for an apartment before craigslist. Especially when used in conjunction with Google Maps, craigslist makes finding a listing within a given price range and geographic region amazingly simple. If only the same logic and ease could extend to the habits of landlords and sublettors, we might be on to something.

Two weeks ago I thought I had hit pay dirt, when I found a reasonably sized three-bedroom house in Columbia Heights in need of a replacement roommate and just $345 a month in rent. Considering how difficult it is to find anything in the District for under $700, I did my absolute best to sell myself as a reliable and decent housemate. I even offered to go above the asking price, effectively reducing the already preposterously low rent paid by the other two occupants.

I knew that despite my substantial charm, getting the room was far from a slam-dunk. After all, I was up against four others all vying for the same spot, and I was 0-for-2 in previous encounters with shared houses. However, I waited patiently for the call or email I was certain would eventually come, even if it was, "Sorry, the room has been filled. Good luck!" But no word ever came, even after my pathetic, "I'm thinking you've found a roommate, but I just wanted to make sure you didn't misread my email address or phone number" message.

At this point, given my three whiffs and the countless times I emailed to enquire about an apartment or room, only to receive no reply and see the exact same post reappear at the top of my craigslist searches an hour later, I am starting to lose hope. I'm thinking that maybe my attempts to come across as a responsible, easy-going and fastidious person are actually undermining my effort -- maybe I sound annoying, prissy, or, worse, like a liar.

In light of this last possibility, it occurs to me that I might try a reverse psychology approach, presenting myself not as I am, or even as I might try to be, but instead like so:

"Hi, I'm a 75-year-old pedophiliac rapist vampire. I sweat pure bile, eat my own vomit, and for a living I fart into jars. Can I be your roommate?"

If my "honest" self-appraisal seems too good to be true, potentially irritating, or flat-out false, the one above provides a falsehood so alarming as to become humorous, inviting, and charming.

I would certainly give such a person a chance.