16 Weeks in Chocolate City

Appropriately enough, summer evenings in Washington are reminiscent of immersion in a molten chocolate river. Showering in the morning is futile, as one will become drenched in sweat within minutes of leaving the house. It is therefore advisable to plan to get one's bathing out of the way after hours, when the water pressure is generally stronger anyway.

Helpful hints like these only start to emerge after one has attained a critical mass of living experience in the District. I thought I might do my readers the service of enumerating some of them, that future visits to our National Capital might be more pleasant. I have arranged my advice into sections.

Public Transportation
I was alarmed to find out last night that "rush hour" under the Metro schedule is considered to be over by 7 pm. Would that it were so; it has become increasingly common for my work duties to keep me at the office well past 6. During rush hour, trains can be expected about every 6 minutes, throughout the system. By 7, that number has doubled. It is therefore wise to utilize WMATA's trip planner. Most of the time, the trains adhere to their schedules. Buses are to be avoided at all costs; non-Metro (e.g. Montgomery County, Maryland's, "RIDE-ON") buses are slightly more agreeable, and morning passengers will be happy to tell you which pirated DVDs they recommend, and where you might be able to find them.

Housing
It is amazing to me what people are willing to pay in additional rent for the privilege of residing in Dupont ("DOO-pont") Circle. Furthermore, amenities like parking spaces, gymnasiums, 24-hour valets and eunuchs, and the like, add considerably to already steep rates. A prep school friend recently took an apartment in Rosslyn, VA, but only in part to escape the usurious landlords across the river. Other benefits of establishing residence in this landscape of oppressive, post-apocalyptic buildings and incessant flyovers include Virginia's lower income tax, abundant swimming pools, and fantastic array of chain restaurants.

Dining
If one were able to subsist exclusively on a diet of Ethiopian food, life would be jolly, leisurely, and remarkably affordable. Few digestive tracks could survive such a regime, however, and it is wise to keep a balanced diet. By itself, DC's proudest culinary invention -- the jumbo slice -- scarcely seems an adequate alternative to gored-gored and lamb tibs. The best options include Mexican, Peruvian, El Salvadoran and Caribbean restaurants, many of which function mainly as take-out operations. As far as supermarkets are concerned, trust Safeway before Giant and Whole Foods before Safeway. But go easy on the designer mushrooms, as the prices there tend to be deceptively high.

Careers
I enjoy the luxury of the "reverse commute." That is, while I am rushing to work I am traveling in the opposite direction of perhaps 80% of my fellow passengers. The same pattern persists in the evenings. Employment in Washington is a subject I little understand, but it stands to reason that a large number of jobs are generated by the Federal government. Other large employers in the region include Quizno's, liquor stores, and the police.

Nightlife
Previous posts have hinted at the poor quality of nightlife here, but try telling that to a rat. Indeed, rodent enthusiasts will find Washington to be among the most cosmopolitan of cities. The same applies to fans of screen-printed t-shirts, filter cigarettes, and poorly maintained lavatories.